Every break up is a wake up call!
– Joseph Annakkutty Jose
Every break up is a wake up call!
– Joseph Annakkutty Jose
Who is actually responsible for all what happened in your life? We often try to point our fingers towards external conditions. And why do we do that? We do that because we think of things as either good or bad. People often say- things happen for a reason. That is one way to connect the events of our lives to make a meaningful story. And this is true in a way. What I have always felt is that it is our thoughts and only our thoughts that determine our reality. When we say that things happen for a reason; the underlying reason we talk about is our thoughts. We are where we are today because it is the reality we created with our ability to think.
When I got admission in a prestigious science institute of my country, I felt that I didn’t deserve it. My family was so poor and suddenly when I was given good facilities and infrastructure, I felt I didn’t belong there. At that moment I didn’t even think about the long hours of handwork that I did to get to that position. All I was thinking was that I was an accidental science student. It took me long years to realize that what happened to me was not accidental, but was the manifestation of my thoughts. My friends knew it, my family knew it, but me. And I tried to find every reasons why I am not interested in science. And later, after graduating from college, I tried each of my so called ‘passion’ and found that those weren’t my real passion, rather those were false truths that I used to validate my thoughts.My thoughts were responsible for my struggles in career.
In case of relationships, I always wanted to start one. But before it could reach anywhere, I would try to end it. The reason being my wrong choice. I would never have left someone who is very compatible to leave me. So at the initial stages of the relationship itself my thought process would have started to get rid of the person, but I keep delaying it hoping that a wonder would happen. And finally when it ends I get hurt. In fact I am afraid of loneliness. And that is the reason I cling to people who are incompatible. And I’m responsible for the pain caused by it.
Thus it turns out that we are the reason why we are here today. Taking responsibility for all the good and bad things that happened to you will take you to greater happiness and success.
I understand that there is so much pain inside me. The strength of it seems so magnificent such that if driven in a wrong direction can cause adverse effects on my life as well as on others. In order to avoid such a catastrophe, I need to learn forgiveness. I need to forgive myself first, for all the mistakes I have done. I just need to look at the greater picture. While looking back, always there is a feeling that I have grown through my pains. From a very stubborn and self centered person to someone who is loving and charming- the path was really painful. Since a few months, tragedies followed me one after the other.It all started exactly one year ago. My own heart has to be really appreciated for the strength and endurance it has shown during those times. As it is said, pains are the tax we pay for living the life of a human. And if we are looking for a life without pain, then we might be either dead or we cease to be humans. I know that this is temporary. And it shall too pass just like every other situations.
Yesterday night, while I was in the midst of this emotional breakdown, I was thinking about what I can teach the world about overcoming pain in life. Because, I am now well experienced to teach someone how to get past it. There are things that will not work and things that will work. Let’s begin with the latter.
1. Taking revenge
When you feel like fighting back at a person, taking revenge to get even, the kind of self talk shifts to a totally destructive domain. Such thoughts are sure going to drain your happiness.
2. Trying to find out the Why’s and Why not’s
If it is a person who has caused you pain, we might brainstorm and come up with all sorts of questions to create a story that seems acceptable for us. But will it help ? Absolutely no. Don’t go behind the reasons. You are now fully equipped with masks and barricades that will protect you from a similar situation in the future. This is what life wanted to teach us. We don’t learn to swim by standing at the shore. So life is giving you tests, one by one, to make you learn the skill that will help you survive similar events in the future.
3. Trying not to address the pain
If you do this, eventually, you will get more and more weaker and depressed.
4. Blaming yourself
We are all humans and are prone to mistakes. So it’s perfectly fine to do mistakes, even if this isn’t your first time doing the same wrong thing, it’s completely fine.
5. Hiding the problem from your best friend
Share it. Cry and shout it out in their presence. Be vulnerable. Shed off your ego.
6. Trying to fix the problem.
Your heart is already a broken glass vase. Let it go instead of trying to fix it.
Now, we will look at things that will help to move on.
1. Accept the situation,embrace the pain.
2. Have hope.
I mean you need not fake it. Whatever your current situation is, whether you want to move on or not, life will take you to the path of resilience and bliss. Hope is an intrinsic property. It will follow you in your future days for sure. Trust me, the better is on it’s way.
Share your pain with someone. Don’t try to hide things from your real friends thinking that they will judge you. Even if you were so stupid to have done that, still share it. They will back you.
4. Be patient.
Know that pain isn’t an on and off electric bulb. It won’t disappear all of a sudden. Rather it will take time. And it fades slowly. With time it gets weaker.Life is hard at times. Your pain shows that you are moving forward.
5. Cry, shout or do whatever you want, but remember to buckle down and dance in the end.
6. Help others with the skills that you have got. Live for others for a while.
7. Be with friends and try to help them and make them happy.
In reality, you are stronger than you imagine. Everyone of us is. Emotions can’t kill us. They are there for a purpose. So, let it be. Mourn it initially and then forgive. Fasten your shoelace and move on sooner you will forget it. Trust me.
Finally, GATE exam got over and all my stress creating hormones are back in their caves for another hibernation and I think this would last until the next exam or a public event. I don’t really want to go through the same pain and frustration that I have went through, the day before,never ever in my life. While I was going through all these chaos,I did another wonderful thing too. I shouted at someone with all the emotional intensity and anger that I could harness at one time. And surprisingly I felt relieved after that. The question whether my action was right or wrong is irrelevant because it was an uncontrollable fountain of emotions that was suppressed inside so long. And the person isn’t going to get affected much. S, no worries.
Later on the day before, I was watching this TED talk where a lady was speaking about the need of embracing emotional agility. She says emotions are there for a reason and that we should stop being judgemental to ourselves and others for expressing emotions.
I woke up with an aching head. I could feel that I wasn’t relaxed even after long hours of sleep. I got up and in the backdrop birds were chirping. With my coffee cup I went to the terrace and sat there on floor. Silently i listened to the natures sound. Sitting there I was thinking about the options that I have infront of me. Either a private sector job or academia. These were the options available. Soon I entered into a state of day dreaming. I visualized myself standing in a science lab doing experiments, keeping track of the procedures, making discussions with my supervisor. I thought, would I be happy in such a job? No, I would long for that creative freedom where I can just do things as I like to do it. As contrast to what I believed, I never ,missed creative science writing. Even this space which allows me to write whatever I feel like was enough for me. This knowledge was quite surprising. And I visualized myself teaching in a science class, describing concepts and ideas, which I have prepared earlier. That really sounds great. Thus the idea of developing a career in teaching field hit me. I can get a PhD even later in my life. Also I can qualify NET at a later stage. So I decided to teach where ever possible. Even if it’s a primary class. That is fine.
My days were getting quite unproductive since so many years. Or at-least that is what I thought. A few weeks ago, I sat and thought about this issue. All these time I had been thinking that my career choices were wrong and I did a drastic mistake in choosing my area of interest, which is Biology. But it turned out that I wasn’t wrong at all. In-fact, I had a deep rooted passion for learning and understanding science. I also enjoyed teaching. I had a detail oriented approach when it comes to studies. Because I knew that I could explain a concept well only if I know the various dimensions of the problem. Even now, if you could give me a topic to prepare a presentation or to teach, I would sit with it researching and learning the topic. I would love to make posters and presentations explaining the concept in an understandable way. So, its never any miracle that I have a masters degree in Science.
Apart from studying and teaching science, the other thing that I would love to do is to write science which includes both Biological science and Psychology. My detail oriented approach that I adopt in studies have helped me in developing interest in writing. When I was in school, I liked that part of exam when I was asked to explain a concept in words. I want to be a science writer. I am sure that I will be able to do it. And the approach that I am following now is to listen English conversations and reading good English science articles. And I know that my effort is worth it. Because at the end of the day I’m going to communicate science with people as a mediator between scientists and laymen.
Then why did I stop working hard when I reached college. I had never felt that I did my best in college. Actually except for my final year project I rarely put sincere effort. Every thing that I was supposed to do was like a burden. I felt so. I thought it was never my choice to study all those. Then whose choice was it? No one forced me. But, everyone had encouraged me. And the real man behind it is my Dad. He always encouraged me to be competitive. In-fact, I liked to study science. I could do it naturally. That is why I survived there. So, the reason why I stopped working hard is because I felt like I’m being forced into studies. And slowly I lost my self motivation. I did everything as if it were forced up me. With so much dislike. Slowly slowly I started looking for distractions to avoid studies. Even as I write this I feel so much anger towards my father for pushing me to do things that he wanted me to do. And to be true, I hate him for that. Maybe he was encouraging me. But he could have let me choose my path rather than him having a plan for me and my brother. Now it’s all history. Me and my brother are matured enough to understand our interests. We still love to learn science as we did when we were in school. And that was not forced upon us. We studied because we wanted to study.
Now as we move on we both have to take responsibility for all what happened in our lives. That is exactly what I did. Also I tried to give up some of my unnecessary desires, that was causing me to suffer every-time. Now as I live my daily life, I try maximum to stay away from such distractions. And I’m friends with only people who really cares for me. I have created a good friend circle.
Now towards the hardworking mentality I reached when I stopped giving into pleasure seeking behavior. To be true, this has made a change.
It is very common for men/women to get trapped in depression when he finds no meaning to his/her life. I believe that this is the reason we all should have a long term goal in life. A goal which will be fulfilled only after long years of work. The thought of realizing such a dream will give us the courage and consistency to move past the struggles that life offers.